Little Known Feline Ailments
Having conquered cat flu, triumphed over tapeworm and braved
behavioral quirks, it is time to focus attention on some oft-observed,
but little-documented, afflictions of cats.
Collapsible Legs
- Symptoms
- The affected cat places one side of its head on the ground as
though cheek-marking the concrete, carpet etc. After several
such maneuvers, the legs on that side of the cat suddenly collapse,
leaving the cat waggling its feet in the air.
- Treatment
- This involves placing the palm of one hand on the exposed belly
and rubbing gently. There are side-effects though some feline
sufferers attack the rubbing hand, while others recover spontaneously,
often after prolonged treatment. This condition is probably
incurable and any cat which requires prolonged treatment after an
attack will most likely suffer repeated attacks of collapsible legs
throughout its lifetime.
Snudging
- Symptoms
The affected cat repeatedly headbutts any available part of a
readily available human and turns its head slightly so that the lips
and cheek are rubbed against legs, arms, clothing etc. This
condition gets its name from a contraction of the phrase "soggy
nudging". Snudging may well be a form of excessive
scent-marking. A bad attack can result in soggy clothing.
- Treatment
- Give the sufferer lavish affection. Most attacks subside
between 10 minutes to 1 hour after onset of symptoms. You may
need to dry off snudged clothing or skin. Attacks recur
frequently, usually when the most readily available human is engrossed
in a TV program, book, or telephone call.
Bed Hogging
- Symptoms
- The cat spreads to take up all available free bed space at night.
It then expands a bit more until any human occupants occupy the
smallest possible area of bed. It may do this on top or underneath
the covers or on the pillow. It is highly contagious - any other
cats on the bed will also develop symptoms of bed-hogging.
- Treatment
- The most obvious solution is to evict the cat from the bed.
If this is morally unfeasible, train yourself not to give way
as the cat expands. Buying a bigger bed is probably pointless
as most affected cats can easily expand to fill standard, queen-sized,
and king-sized beds. Otherwise, simply train yourself to sleep
while hanging precariously off the side of the bed. Attacks of
bed-hogging have been known to last up to 23 hours (in one case a 3-day
attack was noted by a cat owner who was confined to bed with flu).
Non-Specific Insect Infestation
(also Non-Specific Spider Infestation)
- Symptoms
- A disorder more prevalent among outdoor-going cats and cats with
access to conservatories and garden rooms. Symptoms range from
minor (the odd greenfly in tail, monkey-spider on fur) to severe
(entire ecosystems of insects living on the cat, spider webs spun
between ears/whiskers, cat so weighed down with spider webs that it
has difficulty walking).
- Treatment
- Minor symptoms can be treated by simply removing the infesting
agent (aphid, ladybug, spider, etc.) and combing webs out of fur.
If the cat suffers recurrent or severe symptoms an exercise
regime is highly recommended since highly mobile cats appear to
attract fewer greenfly (research into this factor continues).
Fuffling
- Symptoms
The cat lowers its nose into water and exhales. This is
followed by whiffling, spluttering, sneezing, snorting, head-shaking
and a generally confused expression. Bath-foam appears to trigger
attacks of fuffling in some cats. It may also be linked to
interesting items seen in the water e.g. goldfish, food-crumbs, greeblingz.
Fuffling is most common during kittenhood although even quite elderly
cats may suffer an occasional bout.
- Treatment
- None. Snorkeling apparatus or scuba suits are possibilities,
but cats do not readily accept such treatment. Kittenhood fuffling
generally subsides as the cat grows older, possibly due to some acquired
immunity (or greater common sense).
Irritable Lap Syndrome
- Symptoms
- The cat appears unable to settle comfortably on laps, instead
treading, kneading, rearranging itself, fidgeting, vocalizing,
getting up and turning around, falling off lap and getting back
on again, attacking magazines, needlework, computer keyboard, telephone etc.
- Treatment
- Immediate treatment is essential. Drop whatever you are
doing (literally if need be) and give 100% attention to the sufferer
otherwise symptoms may escalate and become quite distressing to the
lap-owner. Only prolonged attention will cure an attack of
Irritable Lap Syndrome. Like Collapsible Legs this syndrome
is incurable, although attacks may be effectively treated as and when they occur.
Lap Fungus Disorder
- Symptoms
- Having taken over a human lap, the cat proceeds to ‘spread' in
all planes. This may be accompanied by secondary symptoms such
as high volume purring, dribbling, kneading and snoring. The condition
is highly contagious and several ‘fungoid' cats may infest a lap simultaneously.
- Treatment
- Topical treatment with proprietary anti-fungals is ineffective.
Prompt treatment (as per Irritable Lap Syndrome) is required
to alleviate the worst symptoms although in a number of cats, such
treatment actually aggravates the condition. This disorder
manifests itself periodically through the affected cat's life and
there is no long-term cure.
Smurgling
- Symptoms
- Varied: sucking at clothing, owners earlobes/nose/fingers/skin,
drooling, glazed expression. Often accompanied by kneading and high volume purring.
- Treatment
- Ultimately incurable. It is possible to remove smurglable items
from around the cat. The ailment may be transmitted to humans in the
form of large laundry bills, mis-shapen clothing and chapped skin.
Greeblingz
- Symptoms
Random dashes through, to helter-skelter running through house in
pursuit of unseen prey. Greeblingz are believed to be non-visible
entities and some authorities have linked them to UFO sightings or feel
that they may be diminutive other-dimensional beings. Cats suffering
from greeblingz typically have wild-eyed expressions. There is a
minor danger of greenblingz attaching themselves to humans; if a cat
tackles such greeblingz, injury to humans may result. A very few
cats are naturally immune.
- Treatment
- None known. Anti-epileptics are ineffective as the condition
appears unrelated to other forms of seizure. Avoid getting in the
way of a cat engaged in greeblingz hunting. Attacks usually subside
spontaneously, perhaps the greeblingz return to their own dimension.
These irritating creatures are not visible to the human eyes,
but no doubt the superior sight and hearing of cats enables them to see them.
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