The Cat Miracle Diet
The Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte
figure as your pet feline. Just follow this diet for one week and
you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have
a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!
DAY ONE
- Breakfast:
- Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it costs
more than .75 per can. Place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food;
look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at
the wall for a while before stalking off into the other room.
- Lunch:
- Four blades of grass and one lizard tail.
Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.
- Dinner:
- Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead.
Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.
- Bedtime snack:
- Steal one green bean from your spouse's or partner's
plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator.
Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other
half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the
can you opened this morning.
DAY TWO
- Breakfast:
- Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa,
knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set.
Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to
read it.
- Lunch:
- Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the
dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite
out of the middle of the loaf.
- Afternoon snack:
- Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house.
Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead.
Allow it to escape under the bed.
- Dinner:
- Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food -- tuna or beef
works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of
the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as
you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.
DAY THREE
- Breakfast:
- Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's cereal bowl
when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished
aluminum appliance you can find.
- Lunch:
- Catch a small bird and bring it into the house.
Play with on top of your down filled comforter.
Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you
abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.
- Dinner:
- Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of
your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the
floor.
FINAL DAY
- Breakfast:
- Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs,
wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water.
Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse's or partner's
pillow.
- Lunch:
- Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go leftovers
your spouse or partner placed in the trash can.
Drag the skin across the floor several times.
Chew it in a corner and then abandon it.
- Dinner:
- Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food.
Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in
Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and
get hard.
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